I Answered Google’s Most Searched Beauty Questions Because I’m A Know-It-All

The only thing I love talking about more than myself is beauty.
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Publish date:
December 31, 2014
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beauty, google

All of my friends come to me to solve their beauty dilemmas, (Courtney, false eyelashes hate me and my mustache is out of control -- what do I do???) knowing I will come through with a cure. The only thing I love talking about more than myself is beauty. When Emily asked me to answer Google’s most searched beauty questions, I put on my know-it-all hat with glee!

So here I am with my unsolicited advice and recommendations for all of you. If my solutions don’t work, please don’t yell at me. I’ve gained my knowledge from YouTube gurus and magazines -- I’m not a dermatologist or hairstylist. Well, I cut my mom’s hair, but that doesn’t count.

Also, if you don’t check out before the end of this article, I’ll share some of my own unanswered beauty questions. LET US BEGIN.

1. How to get rid of acne.

I rarely have breakouts, but when I do get them, they’re caused by dehydration and stress. Gallons of water and tea tree oil usually do the trick for my little pimples. For actual acne, I know of a few amazing Accutane success stories. You should definitely hit up your dermatologist before trying a medication like Accutane though.

2. How to get rid of stretch marks

Stretch marks are evidence that fragile mortal shells struggle to keep all of the effervescent diva energy and glitter from busting out of our skin. I have some stretch marks on my hips, like almost every other estrogen-bearing human, and have no desire to eliminate them. As Chrissy Teigen famously Instagrammed, “Hi thigh stretchies I hate you but you are mine so I’ll accept you.” I find comfort in seeing other women’s stretch marks and feel encouraged to chant, “ONE OF US, ONE OF US!!” and envelope them in a warm sister-from-another-mister embrace. But, if you want to abandon the sisterhood (don’t do it!) you can rub shea butter on your stretch marks and watch them gradually fade at a glacial pace. It worked for my mom’s pregnancy stretchies.

3. How often should I wash my hair?

Avoiding shampoo in favor of co-washes has been a golden rule in the black hair community for quite a while, but in the past few years I’ve seen multiple magazines recommend girls with a variety of hair textures to ease up on shampoo as well. The Carol’s Daughter co-wash has saved my relaxed hair, which I use in between blowouts (that I make last for five or six days). When I do pull out my shampoo once per week, I lean toward gentle non-stripping formulas like Living Proof Restore Shampoo or Renpure Argan Oil Luxurious shampoo. I’m not a hairstylist, but judging by my own experience and the testimonies of my friends alone, decreasing the amount of “wash days” leads to an overall reduction in oil production and breakage.

4. What is BB cream?

BB cream, or “beauty balm,” is an all-in-one foundation alternative that has at least one million gimmicky skin care benefits aside from moisturizing and providing sun protection. They’re a bunch of BS in my opinion. I prefer a good old liquid foundation or tinted moisturizer -- the most popular BB creams have very limited shade ranges anyway.

5. How to clean makeup brushes

Saturate the hairs of your brushes with water, massage in a few drops of Dr. Bronner’s Unscented Baby-Mild Castile Liquid Soap, run the bristles under the sink’s faucet until the water is clear, and then lay the brushes out on a paper towel over-night to dry. Tada! Clean brushes.

6. How to get rid of bags under your eyes

Have you ever spent a night crying and woken up with eyes so swollen your face looked like a plate of meat? Or do you sleep on your face and have your under-eye area turn into backpacks full of fluid and regret? Well, I can help you! (I should work in advertising or make “As Seen On TV” commercials). First gently, GENTLY, massage the swollen area with a cool washcloth to increase blood flow. Follow up with a metal-tipped eye massage thingy, like the Clinique All About Eyes Serum De-Puffing Eye Massage. I think Garnier makes a cheaper eye roller thing too. Now that you’ve got some circulation going in your eye fat, tap on an eye cream of choice (I like the Fresh Black Tea Age-Delay Eye Concentrate with your ring finger.

7. How to minimize pores

Squeeze the shit out of your blackheads and then pour toner into the holes. Or get professional and sterile extractions and swipe on the Body Shop Tea Tree Skin Clearing Toner after cleansing with a cotton pad. Whatever.

8. How to shape eyebrows

DON’T LET A LADY AT THE MALL WAX YOUR EYEBROWS INTO SPERMS!!!!!! Also, don’t shape your eyebrows yourself. It. Never. Works. Please, I am begging you to just let a professional do it. Threading gives a much more appealing shape than waxing, so head to the nearest threading salon and ask for Pinterest eyebrows (above).

9. What are freckles?

Angel kisses! Actually, they’re clumps of melanocytes -- clusters of cells that produce melanin.

10. How to apply foundation

I swear by the Beauty Blender, the Sephora Pro Airbrush #55, and my fingers. Just warm up a few drops of foundation on the back of your hand, swipe the product onto your T-Zone and cheeks, and blend with either of the three tools I mentioned. All are pretty effective.

I looked through my own Google search history for my own recent beauty searches, which include…

· How much do YouTube celebrities make from reviews?

· Deelishus from Flavor of Love weave

· Do hot rollers damage hair?

· Beauty products you can replace with a Q-Tip

· All of the Kim Kardashian game hairstyles

Horrify yourself and look up your own Google searches, it’s pretty funny. You could also share them with us for a good laugh! I hope my solutions help you guys achieve a prettier 2015. ~*~ NeW yEaR nEw Me~*~

Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza