HOW TO: Make Your Bed Smell Really, REALLY Sexy Before You Have Sex In It

Sex sex sex! Beauty beauty beauty! Read me read me read me!

Nov 17, 2011 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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WELL. We all know what happened last time I wrote about my sex life, so I’m actually not even going there. Nor am I posting some saucy picture of me on a bed. Wait, I just did! More like a weird one of me smiling on my messy pod place, which is basically what my bed is all of the time. Ah, studio apartment living.

Why the hell am I even posting this dumb picture? Because MY JOB REQUIRES IT OF ME, a fact that tortures me day in, day out! (FYI, that’s a Bowie song I really like!)

Arrrrg – beauty: it gets harder to reel in my madness and make all these connections between photos and products and my personal weirdness every day. I am also writing this coked up. I made mistakes last night! [So Cat and I talked about this ] I can’t even lie about it. Life is so strange. 

Am I going to get fired? ANSWER: Yes, eventually. [That's entirely up to you. ]

Anyway, the whole point of this article is that I go out a lot but I don’t really do my laundry a lot, and so when I bring a guy home with me (rarely) (when did I get so lame?), I like my bed to smell good.

Luckily this is sort of easy. I try not to smoke or eat too much in bed, but that’s a joke. I hate living in a studio apartment. I need a fucking bedroom! JANE, give me a raise! Sorry, the coke is talking. I usually don’t even do it; I swear. But I'm not going to sit here and lie. That would so not be xoJane-y!

Anyway, I’m actually really a fantastic authority on linen sprays. They are the staple of the grungy punky party girl beauty editor. I have loads of them, and I spritz them wildly all over my mattress and body and linens and life like every sixteen hours, and then hopefully the guy I’m getting with is tricked into thinking that I’m clean clean clean. HA. No, I actually am. Wait, what are we talking about?

Usually when I come home I have to push over a pile of eighteen French magazines just to sleep, and if someone actually expects to sleep with me, I have to shove over my teetering piles of A.P.C. sweatshirts and the occasional crackpipe, which I actually don’t smoke crack out of – just weed. You shove steel wool into the stem, see, after you’ve removed the flower:

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You can get those on Ebay. I actually don’t recommend it.

But back to linen sprays! The most glamorous one is by Stella McCartney and it smells just like her gorgeous eponymous (I learned that word from R.E.M.) perfume StellaNude:

Confusingly, that is not the perfume pictured above; it is the linen spray. YES, Stella McCartney makes linen spray! You knew that, though, because the product came out like three years ago. But luckily I am always around to remind you of a wonderful product, still available but not new. I can’t keep up with all the new stuff. There are fourteen thousand other beauty blogs for that. This is the sort of stuff that gets discontinued fast, though -- I vaguely suspect that it has been already -- so buy it up while you can.

My other favorite linen spray is by my favorite perfume brand ever, CLEAN Perfumes:

Surely I’ve written about this stuff -- Clean Perfumes Fresh Laundry Clothing/Linen Fragrance before. Maybe it was for AOL Lemondrop (what the fuck was that site about?). Anyway, this just smells like the clean laundry of dreams. My actual laundry never even smells this good. My one boyfriend that I had that time that I was nineteen LIVED for this stuff – he would spray it all over himself every time he left the house. It was when Diesel jeans were still the coolest. No, just kidding; they still are.

Another linen spray that I live and die for is like $6 and sold at that last ring of hell Bed, Bath, and Beyond:

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I couldn’t find a picture of the actual bottle on the internet, so just know that it exists. I also can’t find my own bottle at home to photograph, which is weird. But I mean, I store beauty products in my kitchen cupboards (see photo above), you know? So what do you expect?

What do I have to say about the quality of the packaging Bed, Bath, and Beyond linen spray that I so enjoy? Not much. Look, you get what you pay for. This bottle is so lame and plastic and wonky that it warps and clogs practically the second that you take it home, but honestly, it smells really really good. I like the Egyptian Cotton scent best, and also there’s a pretty good beach-y scent too.

Oh, speaking of beachiness! Synthetic, scented linen fake beachiness:

These are amazing. They are Beach Days Dryer Sheets from the Good Home Company, one of those awesome home brands I love that convince me that cleaning is cool. But oh, they make dryer sheets that are beachy scented, and if you don’t have time to actually do your laundry before you start having sex with someone, you can at least shove one or two of these sheets into your pillow cases to freshen everything up.

Another trick I like is just to sprinkle some vanilla extract on my pillows:

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…but remember that I’m psychotic.

SO, xojane readers: how do YOU make you bed smell succulent and squeaky clean before you get down? Do tell.

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