Hold The F#$%ing Phone -- Is My Edgy Haircut The Reason I’m Still Single?!

I’m pretty. I’m smart. I baby wipe my bussy. So, why do I always end up dating dipshits?

Aug 6, 2012 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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I was on earlier this morning chatting with OML, one of my male BFF’s, about his very full dating life. We glossed over girls #1 and #2, but he described the third girl in his stable as "having a striking smile, makes friends easily, and is great arm candy for social events."

That last tidbit got in my feelings, because it made me wonder whether or not men see me as "arm candy." (These are the types of things that make me go hmmmmm.)

I enjoy good food and deeply despise fitness, so I regularly fluctuate between sizes 8 and 12. Today my bra size is 34F, but that could very well change tomorrow depending on how many desserts I demolish tonight. I suffer from nassatal (translation: no ass at all) but my boobs, biting wit and sparkling smile more than make up for it. At least that’s the case in my opinion.

But seriously -- I’m pretty. I’m smart. I’m well traveled. I come from a great family. I’m (slightly) respectful. I like to have a good time. I baby wipe my bussy. I have a dangerously curvy figure (despite my micro-FUPA, which is usually hidden under peplum tops and empire-waist dresses). So, why do I always end up dating dipshits? (Like The Boy. Just, ugh.)

According to OLM, perhaps it’s my haircut.

“Your hair speaks, even though it can’t talk,” he explained. “I like your look. It’s unique and memorable. I’m aroused by the edgy chick with the shaved head or the bleached blonde mohawk. It’s sexy and a little sassy. It makes me want to touch it -- and get a little reckless after a few cocktails.”

Translation: I’ll gladly butt fuck girls like you, IJJ, but I wouldn’t take that tramp home to meet the folks!

Duly noted, OLM.

See, I’ve rocked a partially shaved head for years -- way before it became "cool." I like it. It’s easy to maintain (I buzz it myself every 3 days), and it’s become my signature look. And it’s versatile -- anytime I need to be presentable and "professional," I’ll flip my hair over to hide it, but most days I show it off.

Could that be the problem? (If so, why in the total fuck has no one told me?! My friends ain’t shit.)

Is my look considered tacky to men who are looking for a wife? Like, because I have a fun haircut… will I forever be categorized in the "girls to only have fun with" bucket? Married xoJane-ers -- care to ask your husbands for their thoughts and report back? Please and thank you. I’m starting to feel like my future depends on it.

India-Jewel is contemplating partying in a Florence Henderson-style wig as a love life litmus test over on Twitter at @IndiaJewelJax

Posted in Beauty, hair, haircuts, sex