There's one thing anyone who's ever worked for Jane Pratt knows: She hates puns. Even though she told me she's been relaxing her stance on them recently and mostly just hates "lazy" puns, it's too late for me; the hatred has rubbed off, and I'm all but allergic to puns in any context.
Unfortunately, one of those contexts is beauty products. Trying them out is part of my job, and on more than one occasion, I've eagerly prejudged a product based on goofy wordplay. But once I got over myself and looked past the corny names, I discovered some really good stuff.
The following product names should all be spoken while gently nudging someone in the ribs with an elbow, followed by "Get it?!" But they should also be given a chance.
I've italicized the puns for extra cheesiness. You're welcome.
bareMinerals Locked & Coated Waterproof Lash Top Coat
Nothing like a little rifle humor to make you feel your prettiest.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: Because it's genius. It uses fancy powders (like, super-fancy -- diamond, amethyst, sapphire and ruby) to help invisibly coat your favorite mascara and make it waterproof.
Soap & Glory Clean On Me Creamy Moisture Shower Gel
And now "Lean on Me" is stuck in your head.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: You pretty much don't need a separate body lotion after you wash with this. It's extremely moisturizing, and it smells awesome to boot.
DevaCurl Mist-er Right
Mist-er? I hardly know her!
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: If you've got curly hair and don't wash it every day, this will help refresh and deodorize what you've got going on up there. You'll especially love it if you like the smell of lavender.
Smashbox Be Legendary Lip Gloss in Melondrama
I've already started calling people melondramatic.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: This is an exception to Smashbox's typically straightforward color names. (Other shades of this gloss include the decidedly un-punny Posy Pink, Cognac, and Vivid Violet). More importantly, it's a gorgeous coral that's both intensely shiny and shimmery, if that's what you're into.
Bliss Peeling Groovy Facial Serum
And now "The 59th Street Bridge Song" is stuck in your head.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: If your skin is easily irritated by alpha-hydroxy acids but you still want the anti-aging benefits of non-scrubby exfoliation, this serum was made for you. It exfoliates with amino acids instead of AHAs, so it's perfect for sensitive skin.
theBalm Mary-Lou Manizer
So is a manizer, like, a female womanizer? You do you, Mary-Lou.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: This "luminizer" (I mean, it's technically not even a word) is a great multitasker; use it as a shimmery highlighter or an eyeshadow. And if you prefer a lighter or darker shade, there's Cindy-Lou Manizer and Betty-Lou Manizer.
Essie Nail Polish in Turquoise & Caicos
Did you know the Turks in Turks & Caicos refers to a cactus? Cacti totally look turquoise...sort of... sometimes. Anyway, I've given up trying to make sense of this.
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: Quite frankly, this is the best mint green nail polish in the biz. Looking at it makes me happy, which is why it was my birthday manicure this year.
DERMAdoctor Total Nonscents Ultra-Gentle Brightening Antiperspirant
It's also a deodorant; otherwise calling it Total Nonscents would be, well, nonsense. (Ugh.)
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: I know what you're thinking: Who the hell needs to brighten their armpits? Me, OK? I have a big patch of post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation left by irritation years ago, and while it's not a huge priority, I wouldn't mind it going away.
Almay Color + Care Liquid Lip Balm in Nudetrients
Points for squeezing both color and care into the punny shade name!
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: It comes in a gloss format, but it's called a balm because it really is as hydrating as one. Plus, this particular beige-y color is a great neutral that adapts to and flatters all different skin tones.
Not Your Mother’s Intensive Hair Unit Renewal Treatment
Does anyone else start feeling nervous about their parents going to the hospital after reading that name?
WHY PUN-HATERS SHOULD FORGIVE IT AND GET IT: There are some really expensive deep conditioners out there, but at under eight bucks, this one's definitely worth a try, especially because you're meant to use it only once a week.
Honorable Mention: Every mascara and eyeliner that uses "eyes" at the end of a word that typically has the "-ize" suffix. And there are a lot.
Do puns annoy you as much as they annoy me, Jane and Oliver Wendell Holmes? Let me know of any beauty product pun names that have made you roll your eyes.