You May Be A Disappointment, But Your Gifts Don't Have To Be: What To Get Dad This Father's Day

This year, I’ve gathered a few gifts for your dad that I think he’ll love, or will at least distract him from the fact that his offspring has come up vastly short of his once starry-eyed expectations.

DID I MISS FATHER’S DAY???

Okay, PHEW, I didn’t. It’s June 21, FYI.

I cannot miss Father’s Day, because I already missed by Dad’s birthday this year, BY A WEEK. I know, I know, I’m terrible. I got what was coming to me, though. The day I realized that I had spaced my dad’s birthday, the timing belt in my car broke, completely eviscerating my engine. Karma’s cute.

There’s nothing like Father’s Day to remind you how much of a complete fucking failure you are, and what a disappointment you are to both yourself and your family! To cushion the blow, we have beauty products. Not for you, but for him.

As always, beauty products make killer gifts because you can buy your dad some luxury pomade or expensive fragrance that you know he’d never buy for himself, but he’ll get a kick out of using everyday. And he’ll think of you!

This year, I’ve gathered a few gifts for your dad that I think he’ll love, or will at least distract him from the fact that his offspring has come up vastly short of his once starry-eyed expectations.

Burnt Rubbèr by Sonoco

First of all, this is a fragrance by a company that makes fuel. So, yeah, I can’t make any sense of that. The fragrance touts itself as being “the essence of racing,” so if any of you readers know what that means, please inform me in the comments.

What we have here is a scent that’s supposed to emulate the smell of, you guessed it, burnt rubber. It’s not a total one note scent, like you’d get from a Demeter fragrance, but it’s not the most complex, either. What you get is a whole lot of sterile smelling rubber, with a small addition of smoke, and a back end of vanilla. Vanilla makes everything more wearable so why not.

The weird thing about this fragrance? It doesn’t suck. When the Sunoco publicist asked me if she could send me a bottle I was like “literally no,” but then I thought better of it, because Father’s Day is coming up and I have some sucking up to do.

I put it on for a few hours, expecting to hate it, but I really don’t! Somehow it works, and I could see a lot of dads really liking it. Not my dad, he owns a bike shop so he’s been surrounded by tires his entire life, so I expect the last thing he’d want is to smell like them. But maybe your dad would. Dads like weird stuff, you know?

Apparently the only way to get the fragrance is to win it, so head over the the website and follow them on Facebook or something. Actually, the website is worth checking out if only for the batshit crazy fragrance commercials playing on the front page. That, paired with the accent mark over the last E in “Burnt Rubbèr” (not joking) makes me wonder if this really even is a real fragrance, or if I'm just hallucinating this product entirely.

Another weirdo fragrance that your dad might get a kick out of, is Orange Rim Cleaner by Demeter, $30.

Orange Rim Cleaner ties together the aforementioned Demeter fragrances AND my weird memories of my Dad’s bike store.

I constantly go on and on about how scents and your memory are so heavily tied together, so I’ll spare you that rant again. But, this fragrance brings back all of these memories of when I was just a weird little kid, running around the bike shop being no help at all, with my hands smelling like orange cleaner.

This was because, in the employee bathroom, my dad always kept a huge bottle of Fast Orange Pumice Hand Cleaner for all the guys and girls to get the bike grease off of their hands. Follow me? I realize that this was a bit different from a rim cleaner, but just go with it.

Fast Orange played a very big role in my younger years because it was the first experience I had with exfoliating. Start them young! I remember being four years old like “DAD THIS SHIT FEELS LIKE SAND IN MY HANDS I THINK YOUR SOAP IS BROKE.” He gently explained that those little grains I felt were exfoliators to gently scrub away the bike grease from your fingers and under your nails. And then I became a beauty writer.

Some dads need all the help they can get in terms of their morning routine. My dad is as put together as any other dad, but I do think uses one of those all-in-one cleansers for body, face, and hair, which, like, I just can’t talk about. Let’s all get our dads some nicer cleansers to prevent this. It’s the least we could do.

For starters: Your dad might have gray hair, but I bet he’s not using a purple shampoo. Change that.

V76 by Vaugh Brightening Shampoo for Silvering Hair, $26.

Who knows what your poor, clueless father is using on his hair. Probably bar soap. If he’s gone gray, do him a huge, glam favor and get him a purple shampoo to combat brassy tones and keep his grey hair silvery and beautiful.

Do you know how badly I want to go gray? It would be so much easier to go pastel with a head of (naturally) silver hair, rather than lightening my super dark hair all the time. I broke out into hives last week while getting my hair re-lightened. All I could think of was “If I have to go to Urgent Care before this is done processing, I’m gonna be so pissed.” But enough about my hair and back to your dad’s.

The V76 Brightening Shampoo is pigmented enough to give his grey a silvery, glistening shine without turning it purple, as some stronger purple shampoos can do. It’s also super hydrating, so his hair will feel better than it ever. If you really love him, you’ll get him the brightening conditioner, too.

A couple of Father’s Days ago, I told you about Dollar Shave Club, which is a great company. I’m still signed up for a monthly shipment of their razors even though I stopped shaving clean, because I found out that way more people want to have sex with me when I’m scruffy. Maybe that’s true for your dad, too. Get it, dads!

Ew. However, Dollar Shave Club recently released a collection of hair products! Boogies!

Does a razor company releasing hair products make any sense? I’m not sure, but they’re great! They sent me all of them a while ago when I cut a bunch of my hair off, so I got to play with them and was very impressed with the quality.

One of my favorites is the Dream Hair Cream. It’s perfect for the man who has absolutely no clue what he’s doing when styling his hair (which is all of them) but wants a little bit of texture and hold. He can run it through his hair and mess it up without messing it up, if you know what I mean. It’s fool proof, as everything for men should be because men are so stupid.

My other favzie is Casual Hair Clay. For one, guys like things in pots. For two, this product is perfect because it gives him texture and hold without weighing his hair down, making it too shiny, or, god forbid, too stiff and crunchy.

You really can't go wrong with this collection. Great quality, and with every product clocking in at $10 or under, they’re a great value, too!

What are you getting your dad for Father’s Day? What scent reminds you of your dad? Do you think my dad has forgiven me for missing his birthday? Let’s talk about our dads in the comments!

Tynan is the worst on Twitter @TynanBuck.