I hope this doesn't come off as anti-feminist, but thinking is the worst.
OK, it's not really the worst, but it's definitely not the best. I can think of at least 15 things that are more fun than thinking. They are: eating donuts, buying stuff, smelling a baby, the way your hair looks when they style it at the salon, "Someone Like You" by Adele, finding something in your perfect size at a thrift store, NBC's "The Voice," baby animals of different species who love each other, Rob Delaney's Twitter, the clothes on "Mad Men," really specific compliments about your body during sex, pizza, finding 5 dollars in the pocket of a winter coat, true love and unicorns.
And lipsticks! At least some of the time. And lately I have been totally maxed out on thinking (and his dickhead cousins worrying and obsessing). As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it's all the thinking that's been giving me nightmares and causing epic office meltdowns. You know, like when I start thinking that I'm not good enough, or that I make too many mistakes, or that I am hideous to look upon in the manner of that old woman from "Drag Me To Hell." Or when I am still mentally responding to something someone Tweeted at me 3 months ago even though I'm walking down a beautiful sunny street alone. That's TOO MUCH THINKING.
Being pretty can be hard, too, especially if you're trying to be THIN and pretty (so hard!) but putting pretty lipsticks on your face is easy, so let's start there.
First up, FACE STOCKHOLM for J. Crew ($20), seen above in French Martini and below in Chili Flake.
FACE STOCKHOLM is a Swedish makeup brand that was founded in the 80s by a boutique owner frustrated that she couldn't find colors as crazy as the neon fashions of the day. Also, Swedish people invented Abba, the least thinky band possibly ever to exist.
Even though I already own a ton of orangey-reds, Chili Flake is really fresh and bright-looking and will definitely go into the rotation. French Martini is pretty, but way too subtle for me. I think it would look amazing on someone with dark skin or who is kind of boring. I kid, I kid!
I heard about Stila Long Wear Liquid Lip Color ($22) from a fetching Sephora shop girl who looked like a goth Nicki Minaj in it. "I've been wearing it since 9 am and it hasn't budged," she told me. It was probably like 4 or some other time I was supposed to be at work, just thinking my whole afternoon away like a sucker.
I especially like its self-explanatory name. You don't have to waste wrinkles wondering how this guy works -- it goes on as a liquid and wears for a long time. I bought it in the Nicki Minaj shade, Petal.
It looks like a total nothing in the tube -- I never in a million years would have picked up such a junior-high-looking shade, but it goes on really matte, which just goes to show you why prejudice is WRONG.
Like other liquid lipsticks I've tried, this can be drying, but ... I don't know, I don't really mind? You know if this is an issue for you.
I bought the NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil ($24) on the recommendation of a very cool-looking blond whom I approached and started spitting lipstick color names at like a beauty-obsessed Tourette's patient. "Is that Lady Danger? Heatwave? Red Lizard?"
Instead of trying to slap me 0ut of it as you might a malfunctioning VCR, she pulled this funny little chubby lip pencil out of her bag and read the color name off for me. It was "Red Square" and I bought it and that's $46 dollars that could have been spent (or saved) wisely, but instead went to beauty therapy, because I just don't think sometimes.
And thank God for that. Now that I've finished this post, I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon looking for pictures of baby animals loving each other and trying to turn off my brain stem.