The Drugstore Product That Will Make Everyone Want To Have Sex With You (Bonus: No Cancer!)

If f&^% me-heels were beauty products, what would they smell like? Whatever, too high concept. Just keep reading.

May 20, 2011 at 10:02am | Leave a comment

 

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YO! You're back! 'Sup.

This one is gonna be short and sweet, because I have to go home and smoke some pot. No, I am joking. But seriously, I don't feel like writing a lot. And my hands are greasy, because I've been sitting her applying sunscreen to my legs indoors at night like a weirdo. But boy, do I smell f*&kable! Trust.

Yes. You see, my favorite, favorite scent in the entire world is that of cheap, classic sunscreen. Banana Boat, Coppertone, Hawaiian Tropic, whatever: I use it year-round on my neck, arms, and chest every morning for the fragrance alone, and reply throughout the day. It makes you wildly alluring to other people. In my experience it makes dudes creepy on the spot. Your sort-of boyfriend's sleazy friends will get up in your space and start sniffing your neck like cadaver-finding dogs in the movies do, right before they find the dead prostitute.

Guys who smell me wearing sunscreen always say one of exactly two dumb things, which are A) "You smell like the beach!" and "Why do you smell like suntan lotion?" I mean, is that a trick question? Answer: Because I am wearing suntan lotion! Stupid men.

Sunscreen also makes me feel summery and happy -- it's like sunshine in a bottle. I wouldn't use such a dumb writing cliche if it wasn't true. I'm telling you, it's the best smell ever. Skin cancer-prevention like the prize at the bottom of the bottom of the cereal box, and everybody wins.

What do you think of my sunscreen trick? I guess I made it sound sort of horrible. It's not. It's the best!

Oh, and what fragrance do you wear when you wanna get f*&ked -- your F*&k-Me Fragrance (FMF)? Disclose!