DO THIS DON’T: Get Drunk And Hack Off Your Hair

Because you’ve probably had more horrible people cut it before.

Jan 16, 2013 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

There are a few reasons why I decided to hack off most of my hair.

1) I’ve been obsessed with this lob -- which a stupid way of saying "long bob" -- on Allure’s December cover girl, Keira Knightley. Like, I took a picture of it on my phone and I send it to people when I’m bored.

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2) I just got back from L.A. Have you been to L.A.? Similar to how the unofficial uniform in my neighborhood (Bushwick) is a flannel, Babysitter’s Club-esque dress, and a guitar strapped on your back, L.A. is full of ladies squished into bondage skirts that hardly graze the vagina, dainty tops that show CLEAVAGE, and ass-long Kardashian hair. (Or maybe that was just the party I was at -- even though it was in Echo Park. That’s supposed to be "hip," right?)

3) Then back in New York for NYE, my boyfriend Instagrammed a photo of me licking an inflatable ghost at a warehouse party. And what alarmed me most wasn’t my grotesque giraffe tongue protruding like an erect finger, the bear-like form of my faux fur or that I was getting Instagrammed at a warehouse party in Bushwick -- oh, my god, my life is a cliché, but that HAIR:

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It’s not like I have anything against long, flowing hairs. They’re sexy! When I read a quote in that aforementioned Allure from a certain stylist saying he wanted to gouge himself in the face if he ever saw another woman with back-length barrel-curled hair, I wanted to throw the magazine across the room. 

Gouge away, ya D! And tell me what new styling tool to buy, please.

Also, I love L.A.

But the following day, whilst shoveling delicious black-eyed peas and greens into my pie hole for a prosperous New Year, my head started feeling particularly heavy. The tips of my hair felt stringy, like they were creepy-crawling (as a Manson family member would) on my shoulders and back. This shit has to go, I thought once, and then repeated to myself over and over. 

Plus, I was washing down my meal with a few not-so-prosper-bringing beers, thus elevating my tendency to act impulsively. 

So I went home and chopped off about six inches of my hair with some office scissors. 

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Our attachment to our hair can be so intrinsic to our identities at any given time. To keep it short (hair pun!) (FART NOISE!), hacking off my hair was the most tangible way to a "New Year, New You." Like cutting away a part of myself.

(This apparently, is a the opposite idea Emily had when she got some lovely mermaid extensions.) 

If I was more grounded and had less beer, I probably would’ve just made an appointment for a haircut like a normal person. Instead, I needed to do it NOW.

Freedom! I thought after making the first major cut. Like when I used to be really disturbed and slit my arms up with tiny blades pulled from Bic razors, it felt like a nice, long exhale. 

Luckily, I have cut my own hair in the past. Many, many times.

See:

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When I was little and I didn’t want bangs, I’d cut ‘em to my scalp. Barbies, My Little Ponies -- they were victims or my tiny craft scissor hands, too! I used to think I wanted to be a stylist, but for some reason my mom always hated the idea of my sisters or me wanting to do hair or become teachers, so you know how those kinds of hopes and dreams fade.

Anyway, I may not be a pro, but I do have 21 years of experience. If you’re looking for a fresh start in the form of a fucked up ‘do for 2013, and if your brain fizzles in a weird way like mine does, here’s how to DIY une presh lob. 

NOTE: OK, so, I realize, this "works" better for big, wavy, hair. If it’s not cut perfectly, no one can tell! 

ANOTHER NOTE: Also see the pill-popping ombre hair technique, and use in combination while on the run from the law, like Mr. Mott suggested! 

WHAT YOU’LL NEED: 

  • Sharp, sharp scissors or garden shears (HAHAH JK on last part, sigh)
  • Mirror
  • Paper towels
  • A terry cloth towel
  • Water source 
  • Conditioner
  • Fine-toothed comb
  • As many baby clips as you can find, to pin up layers
  • Hair dryer
  • Beer (optional)
  • Courage (also optional, but necessary if you don’t have beer)
  • Hair tie*

1) Line your sink with paper towels -- because you’re not doing this anywhere else but your bathroom -- and lay out your supplies.

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2) Guzzle a beer or muster some courage. 

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3) Grab your hair and make the first big chop! You’ll want to hit about an inch below where your "desired" length is. It’ll get shorter when you "even" the layers out. (These words are all in "quotes" ‘cause they’re "relative," btw.) 

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Oh, wow! So Alexa Chung! If you left it like this, it’d be megs messed up. This is what your ends look like:

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Foreshadowing! 

4) Douse your head and condition. 

5) Flip back up, since you’re doing exactly what I do (sticking your head under a bathtub faucet), and lightly pat dry with a towel. It should still be very damp. Comb through. 

6) Pin your hair into three layers - the first one at the top of your head where your part is, the second in the mid-section of your head, and the bottom-most layer. 

7) Now, basically, you want to work your way through each layer by pulling out the "same" chunks of hair from the opposing sides of your head, bringing them together under your chin, combing through, and, while pulling them TIGHTLY, cut them "evenly" with the comb about half-an-inch away from the tips.  

8) DO NOT cut straight across EVER! You want to hold the scissors vertically and cut up into the hair in short, quick snips. Haven’t you ever watched a professional cut your hair before? Even I have!

9) As you move up to the second layer, you’ll want to cut the locks about a quarter of an inch shorter than you did for the bottom layer. Because, hi, that’s how you create layers. I think. Like my top layer is about less than a half an inch shorter than my bottom layer.  

10) Blow-dry and snip off any final stragglers.

11) OPTIONAL: Drink beer, cry, call your salon frantically for an appointment, and maybe your psychiatrist, and wear your hair up (*this is when you’ll need that hair tie) until your appointment so your stylist can correct it -- let’s hope you left some length!

ADDITIONAL TIPS: 

You probably shouldn’t use office scissors. Get a pair of hair cutting shears at Sally Beauty Supply. Or even fabric scissors -- they’re sharper. (I was just impatient and couldn’t find mine.) 

Also, you probably just shouldn’t do this.

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Tight barrel curls hide imperfections! So there.

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The finished lob!

If you’re feeling a little more "level," as my therapist calls it and still want to DIY your ‘do, here’s how to trim your hair at home. Or try a fishtail braid! Those are cute.

So, what do you think? Am I chic, or should I consider rehab? Have you cut your hair at home? Are you over long locks, or do you want to get under someone with long locks? Tell me, please! 

Posted in Beauty, haircuts, DIY, hair