It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Once upon a time, I was on my way home from Brighton on a train with an ex-boyfriend. We’d been for a dirty weekend and he had his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I gazed up at him adoringly, when he said to me, ‘You’ve got some spiders crawling out your nose’. And who says romance is dead?
I spent the rest of the journey home, internally freaking out. Nose hair. He was pointing out my nose hair. Now I guess for most women, nose hair probably isn’t an issue, but I’ve probably got more than my fair share of hair. I occasionally shave my big toes, my poontang takes some shearing, and if I left my eyebrows alone, I’d look like a terrorist. Don’t get me wrong, my chest isn’t that of Kong, but I did bend over the other, day sans knickers on and my kid helpfully pointed out ‘Oooo mummy, you’ve got hair in your bum’. Fabulous.
Now I’m about to out myself big time. Deep breath. Since the ‘spiders crawling out of my nose’ incident, I have taken to using nail scissors to trim my nose hair. Yes, I actively remove hair from my inner nose. I have large nostrils you see. In the past, they’ve been compared to train tunnels. I can get my thumbs all the way in, almost up to my knuckles. Impressed?
But no more. Nad’s, the hair removal gurus, have released a bonkers product, specifically made for waxing the inside of your honk. HA! In your face people, cause this clearly means I am not alone in my nose hair misery. It would seem, others suffer with it too. And I don’t just mean 80 year old blokes down the Legion.
My friends, the gauntlet has been laid down, the challenge has been set, I’m going to wax my nose hair. The spiders should be quaking in their boots. I’m coming for you suckers.
Before I begin, I need to point out, I found it impossible to take ‘before’ pictures of my nose hair in my nose using my camera. I’m home alone, and short of turning my husband off me forever by asking him ‘Hey sweetheart, come shoot this unattractive nose hair for me please’, I’m sorry I’ve let you down, but I can’t do it. Shit, I’ve just realised when he reads this article, it’s all over for us anyway. Especially when he see’s the shot DOWN THERE of the results.
Now, after taking everything out of the box, you have lolly sticks, wipes and a dinky little pot of wax. You nuke the wax for two minutes and then stir it with a lolly stick until there are no hard bits left and it has a nice consistency. Let it be known, the instructions are very specific about the heating of the wax.
I take one of the special applicator sticks with a ball on the end of it, which you dip in the wax: not too much, not too little. In fact getting the right amount is a bit of an art. Then you ram that little ball of warm goo up your nose, and set a timer for 90 seconds. It specifically says if you leave it in for more than 2 mins, you may very well end up pulling your brain out.*
So I’ve got this thing rammed up my nose – see the picture – I’m not happy about it. I’m trying to take good pics on my phone whilst simultaneously timing it using the same phone, so I’m all a bit fingers and thumbs and then after 92 seconds, it’s like time has frozen. I know I have to pull this thing out of my nose, but all of a sudden, there’s fear. This is actually really going to hurt. It’s like doing a bunjee jump. You know you have to push yourself over the edge, but why oh why am I doing this? For you good people, that’s why.
And so I pull that little bastard out of my nose, which is eye-watering, peculiar, and liberating. And then do you know what it becomes? Disgusting. Absolutely the grossest thing I’ve seen in such a long time. A blob of wax covered with nose hair jutting out at all angles. My word, who would have thought nose hair could be quite so revolting? I’m so grossed out right now, staring at these thick little hairs. And who knew they’d be so many???
And then it’s time for the other nostril, cause I’ve got to do both. Like Magnus Magnusson used to say, ‘I’ve started, so I’ll finish’. Now I think you’re meant to use a new applicator for the other nostril, but sod it, I pick off the dried wax and hairs as best I can it, dip it in the wax and then waste no time shoving it up my nose like Katona hoovers up coke [Hoovered! Past tense! --Rebecca]. After another minute and a half, I pull that sucker out with equally revolting results. I am revolting myself. My nose hair is making my insides squirm.
But I’ve done it. My nose hair is no more. There you go! It was actually super easy, not nearly as painful as I’d imagined, and what a fantastic result.
Nad’s Nose Wax is available for £17.99 at nads.co.uk
Dani is gazing into the abyss that is her nostrils on Twitter @danigraph
*It doesn’t specifically say this at all, but just don’t go over 2 minutes!