TOO HOT FOR VAIN! Watch Me Vacuum Away My Ass Cellulite

It's a cellulite machine and you kind of see my butt. CAN YOU HANDLE IT? Probably.

Apr 15, 2013 at 1:30pm | Leave a comment

I kind of feel like that asshole that has to do stupid things to hang out with the cool kids. Like, let them have a party at your house while your parents are gone, or give them rides everywhere, or lend out your expensive dress for one of them to wear to a formal and not make them pay to have the cum stains removed from the lining and vomit sludge from the train.

Or mention "cum" twice in an the span of two articles and dance around in the closest thing I have to a bikini which is really just a volleyball sports bra (haven't played volleyball since before I needed a sports bra) and a pair of AA outlet bottoms, and give myself ass hickeys just so I can be let back onto xoJane. You know?

So what happened was I did this series of posts on Vain called entitled "The Imminent Robotic Takeover," culminating in an article about this cellulite-reducing machine from Bliss. I'm sorry, but don't you guys want to see how it works? And, I'm sorry, I only kind of have cellulite ON MY ASS REGION. 

image

"Before Photo" I realize it's not much, but I see something going on back there.

The whole thing was just too scandalous for Vain. But it's all cool kids, anarchy and cumstains (thrice) over here on xoJane, so here's a video of me vaccumming my ass.

 
You basically smear Fat Girl Slim all over your thighs and rub this machine up your thighs as it sucks in pulses. You can adjust sucking strength and pulse frequency -- I like my beauty routine to hurt a bit (that's how you know it's working, right?), so I turn the sucking strength as high as I can take it, and the pulsing as fast as it goes. 
 
Help me out here commenters: Have you tried anything like this and did it work? Am I insane? Is it the lighting? I'm also curious if anybody has tried the caffinated cellulite topicals alone and seen results. I used to use the Nivea kind with the Bliss stimulating massager thing, and as I type this I'm realizing that I've spent way too much time and money on something that isn't actually a real problem.