THE CAT MARNELL BEAUTY ONE HUNDRED, 2/100: Sorry So Boring + Obvious But TWEEZERMAN SLANT-TIP TWEEZERS For The Win, Duh!

I’m going to publicly denounce another beauty product for the first time in my career, too! Sooo...yeah. Pulitzer time.

May 29, 2012 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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My brows sure look good in this SAUCY picture, NON?!

Hey-oooo! Sup.

Quick recap of the rules of The One Hundred, which I kicked off last week with the Clarisonic:

1) The products are not ranked in order.

2) As with all Cat Marnell stories, do not expect this feature to appear on any predictable schedule.

3) You are encouraged to leave your equivalent of that #___ product in the comments section -- what’s your favorite tweezer?

Now: onto Tweezerman Slant Tip Tweezers. I like the Minis: cheaper (not that I pay), cuter patterns at Sephora, easier to handle. Why not? Everything is cuter as a midget!

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Hot For Dots Mini Slant Tweezers, $15 on sephora.com

And yah, I just used the word "midget." Alert the fucking Lollipop Guild

If you don’t own a pair of these bad boys, I’m hoping it’s because you live in some sort of sister wives sex compound or are one of People Magazine's Top Ten Most Beautiful People 2012 (hack, cough) Lily Collins.

Yes, I know this is a boring choice, but they had to make the list some time.

And I’m about to break a big beauty rule of mine, which is Thou Shall Not Diss Any Beauty Product Ever.

Because, you know, there are so many rad beauty products out there, why bring up the bad ones? Instead, just talk about the good ones, right? And encourage people to buy THOSE. And thus implicitly DIS-courage people from purchasing the wack ones.

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Mini Slant Chevron Tweezers, $15 on sephora.com

But in the interest of spicing up this column, which is about a product we plucking-happy wealthy Western women all presumably know to be fantastic and hopefully own, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it (and Omigod, I am so scared):

Cheaper, drugstore brand tweezers…well, they REALLY suck.

THEY DO!

(buries face in hands, watches what is left of respect from beauty industry colleagues [cue laugh track here] dissipate like so much steam in sexy Scientology sauna)

So often I have brought home these lesser brands of tweezers that have been sent to me, only to spend four or five full minutes trying to pluck one -- ONE! -- stupid brow hair, and simply…FINDING MYSELF UNABLE TO DO SO!

“BUT WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE THEN, TWERKY METAL WHATEVER-Y-NESS?” I have squawked at the stupid thing that I had been depending on to make me look halfway decent before that night’s…WHATEVER, I am never doing anything that important; that is not the point.

And then: “WHY HAVE YOU BEEN MANUFACTURED?” Because, I mean, let’s be real: I don’t care about the environment hardly at all -- don’t think I’m an asshole; my brain CAN’T think in that “big picture way”-- but at times like these I do feel rather indignant about the wastefulness of the whole thing and so I actually DO understand better what’s going on, ozone-wise. (O-zone? Whatever.)

Then I throw the cheapie tweezers in the trash and email Tweezerman PR and beg them to send me some new ones and have mercy.

They always do.

Oh Tweezerman, I’m sorry if I ever go behind your back. I couldn’t live without you! (Except actually I can definitely live without the scary pointy needle-nosed ones, Tweezerman; keep 'em away Lord GOD; thannnk you! XO)

Cat's on Twitter plucking out haters' souls @cat_marnell.