It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Have you ever been curling your hair and gotten really nervous when using the iron super close to your ears? No? Well, then stop reading, because this revolutionary invention won't help you:
What you are looking at is a pair of silicone ear protectors called Glam Ears, meant to keep your wee little ear skins from scorching and burning when using hot styling tools near them. The description crows that they are so incredibly comfortable, you'll forget you have them on, which doesn't sound like a plus -- as it could lead to you inadvertently showing up at a job interview wearing them.
If you don't heat style your hair, don't worry -- because I've got a different totally ridiculous beauty device for you to possibly use: The Selfie Brush.
It's part iPhone case, part hairbrush, and all stupid. The website boasts that this device will allow you to take "the best selfies ever!" I'll save you the $19.99 and teach you how to take the perfect selfie right now:
1) Brush your hair with any available hairbrush.
2) Google "Kim Kardashian selfie tips." (I realize I'm part of the problem here.)
3) Say cheese!
If you're a gal who gets regular manicures, smudges are likely the bane of your existence. So you've got two choices: 1) sit still for 20 whole minutes afterward while the polish dries, or 2) spend that 20 minutes trying to put on these incredibly cumbersome mini-hair clips with small shields attached, meant to protect your nails from smudging while they dry.
At first I thought they might be the most clever thing I'd ever seen, but then I read the reviews -- and realized there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that they actually worked.
"The clips spin on your fingers and the hinges on the clips hyper-extend and crush down on wet polish, plus, they're 2-3 times the size of your nails so you're 2-3 times as likely to hit them on something."
"Instead of worrying about accidentally putting a small ding on a nail, now you'll worry about hitting these awkward clips into one of your nails and really destroying your manicure."
If you're in a rush at the salon, I've got a tip for you that will actually work: Have the manicurist slather your freshly painted nails with cuticle oil, then wrap each nail with a small piece of plastic wrap. The oil creates a barrier that keeps the plastic wrap from actually sticking to it, (it just sort of floats due to the oil!) and the plastic wrap creates a barrier that protects your nails from smudges. I've used this trick on pedicures with great success -- you can even put your shoes back on over fresh polish!
Smudging appears to be a big issue in the beauty world -- as the ability to successfully sell people 10 tiny pieces of paper for five bucks shows:
The Lash Card is an invention that undercuts itself in the product's description almost immediately when it alerts you that this is just an improvement on the "makeup artist trick of using a cut-out business card" to keep mascara from smudging above or below your lashes. I'll tell you what: I've got 1,000 business cards with an old AOL email address I'll sell you for two bucks. Deal?
The company has obviously heard from at least one million consumers wondering why they should splash out their cash for the Lash Card, because they've hilariously answered this question for you right on the product's purchase page:
"Frequent user question about this product: Why can’t you just use a business card or credit card? Answer: Well, you could. But do you really want to cut up all that paper?"
Here's what the Lash Card is really saying to you: "Meh, we tried."
Forget Hermes handbags and riding on private jets -- the true definition of luxury is never having to use a fart pad twice. I'll bet you anything that Kanye just says "eff it" and pops open a fresh pack of these reusable charcoal stick-in fart pads daily. (There's also a thong version and a full chair pad version for the fart pad enthusiast who wants to live a totally fart-free lifestyle.) All kidding aside, I'm sure these are a godsend for those who suffer from severe gastrointestinal issues.
While I'm sure this shaving cream probably delivers exactly what it promises -- a rash-free shave to your ultra-sensitive bikini area, I have to stop and wonder if there isn't literally any other name on earth they could have given it besides "Coochy Creme." (I realize this isn't technically a 'device,' BUT IT CALLS ITSELF COOCHY CREME! I couldn't let it go unnoticed one second longer.)
Lastly, I've been meaning to tell you what's wrong with your face: It's out of shape. I mean, when's the last time your face went to a face gym? Does your face even lift, bro? Luckily, you can instantly make up for years of lazy non-face exercising with one simple device:
I guess it's a Shake Weight for your face? International soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo endorses it, so it HAS to work, right? (Although as you may have noticed of you watched the video, you never actually see him with the thing in his mouth.) If you're worried you won't be able to find the time to work out properly with this device, (called the Facial Fitness Pao) you can rest easy. Because as this testimonial from user "R.M, 48 years old" points out:
"Even a negligent person like myself can continue training because it's only 30 seconds, twice a day!"
Yes, even a "negligent" person (that's you!) can spend 60 seconds a day looking like a plastic seagull has lodged itself in their mouth. So what are you waiting for? Step to it and start getting prettier!
I'm on Twitter: @IveyAlison