The good news is that I am still taking showers! I’ve been depressed. Don’t worry; it’s almost over. And I know you’re sick of reading the same thing every day. God knows I’m sick of writing it.
I’m going to visit my grandma on Thursday. She cures everything! I have never not returned from my grandmother’s (in Charlottesville) not completely transformed and ready to live and work again. I’m just like Lady Gaga when she was a cokehead, except I don’t do coke (well, not habitually), and the grandma solution was my story first. Reading about Lady Gaga’s version of it in Vanity Fair was actually very confusing for me. I was probably dusted, and so I was all, Did she steal that from me?
Anyway. Back to my shower.
The first thing to go in a real depression is grooming and hygiene, isn’t it? It is. When I get sad I stop shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows, washing my hair. I mean, I always have people popping over and then I have to do all of these things, but in the darkest recesses of my spoiled soul, I don’t feel like it.
Whine whine whine! I’m so whiny. And really what I should have done with all of my sulky gloom and poor hygiene is gone downtown and occupied Wall Street, but of course I’m much too rich and selfish. No, I’m not that rich. Anyway, and now OWS is over! I can’t believe I never went and checked it out!
I’ve been using the most incredible-smelling stuff in the shower lately, and really that’s all I have until I cheer the fuck up and start living an actual life again, which I think will happen in approximately three weeks, and generally I’m really good at predicting such things for myself. There’s this guy I want to start maybe dating, so I’m trying to motivate myself. He’s magazine-y! Won’t THAT be exciting to read about! I never date people! But now I do. Aggressively.
Okay, so generally what I use on my hair is THIS:
Clairol Shimmer Lights Shampoo and Conditioner. This doesn’t count as the Products That Smell Fantastic that I’m using right now. These products are pretty oldschool and are fragranced accordingly as such -- like old ladies, a little bit. Baby powder. Did I just contradict myself?
Anyway, I use these purple shampoos even though they don’t smell ultra-amazing (and generally the only reason that I wash myself is to smell good, so) and even though they strip my hair sort of dry, because … they are the VERY best thing for blonde hair. I hate “buttery” blonde and “golden” blond. I hate anything warm and yellow near my face unless that thing is a dick, and that includes highlights.
Blond should be blond! Icy blond. Sharon Stone blond. Cool blond; icepick-you-after-I-fuck-you blond. And that’s what these Clairol Shimmer Lights Shampoo and Conditioner products do. The important thing is to use them TOGETHER. You must use the shampoo AND the conditioner, and truth be told it’s the conditioner that deposits the important good stuff -- the blondifying amazingness -- into your hair. My hair. All of our hair(s)! The conditioner is the key product, but it only really works best in tandem with the shampoo. Have I nailed that into your head enough yet?
So if you’re wondering where all of these creepy photos of me in the shower came from:
...they are screen grabs from this music video of me in the shower that this dude Tommy filmed for Team Facelift, a now defunct white rap group made up of my best friend/#1 hunk/future xoJane columnist (when I get around to editing his stuff) Same and two other friends of mine, Ginger Ale and the Fat Jew. You can watch it here and see what my life looks like. Obviously that’s my apartment.
Back to the shower! THE most amazing-smelling thing I’ve been using in there is LaVanila The Healthy Body Wash 2-in-1 Shower & Shave Pure Vanilla. It’s a foamy body wash that you can use to shave your legs; it smells INCREDIBLE, like pure vanilla, and yet there are no parabens or any of that nonsense. The scent fills my whole apartment with delicious steamy vanilla-ness, and the scent stays on my skin all night no matter who I go home with (I wish):
You HAVE to try it. You know I'm a huge fan of this brand in general.
And while I’m body-washing and shaving my legs (usually with pink disposable Daisy razors, natch), I deep condition my hair for five minutes. I like Bumble and Bumble Deeep:
Or something like that. And I don’t even squeeze all of the water out of my hair and everything and then glop it on like you’re supposed to; I’m just so gangster that I do beauty things unconventionally, constantly. Jealous? Didn’t think so.
Then I get out of the shower and lube up with some sort of beachy smelling body oil or whatever, most recently The Body Shop Spa Wisdom Polynesia Monoi Oil:
There is truly nothing better.
SO, that’s my ridiculous in-shower routine at the moment. What’s yours?