Bonus points if you got the Iron Maiden reference in the headline, first of all:
Anyway.There are so many things that I want you to ignore in this picture. My derel friend Shaun, for one, who is definitely drunk, stoned, or on molly -- or probably all three. The sheets that aren’t fully on the bed. The "collage" shit on my walls -- since taken down -- and graffiti on my walls (similarly since painted over).
The dishrag draped over the lamp. The blackout curtains you can see in the corner. The autographed Polaroid of a porn star that is, inexplicably, Scotch-taped to the blackout curtain. The book “Moodswing” propped up on top of a stack of other books, leaning against a greasy mirror. The Penthouse poster you can see reflected in the filthy mirror.I could go on and on. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m way dusted in that photo. Something is going on. Don’t smoke the loveboat, kids.
That was my house like six months ago. Fine, four months ago. I’ve since quit smoking PCP, and while I definitely feel less creative, I also am a lot more sane. Can you believe that I once used to be a very together-seeming Conde Nast editor? I really was. But obviously there was always too much weird! You can’t really tame that shit. I was always insane. It’s part creativity and part insanity and part drugs, and, well, it results in some unique home decorating choices.
I’m trying to grow up now, so I even took down my (in)famous Bambi poster and everything, but now I think my apartment is really boring. And I really need a new sofa. Jane! (snaps fingers) Give me a raise!!
(HAHAHAHA, that’s funny because I can barely get it together enough to answer three work emails per day without feeling like I'm dying and the world is unfair to me. Which it is. Microsoft Outlook does NOT work anyway, so I don't see how I'm expected to use it. It literally just doesn't work. Which is why I barely do.)
What was I writing this post about? RIGHT -- the fake blood I have smeared all over my mouth! It is the world’s chicest fake blood, by French beauty brand Make Up For Ever (official name: Make Up For Ever Thick Artifical Blood) who generally make the very best things:
It is gooey and realistic and wonderful, and everyone should keep a bottle of fake blood at home. It is very good for smearing around and things. I was just playing with it for fun that night. Gonzo beauty indeed.
Another amazing BLOOD product to score for yourself this Halloween is this bag of blood from UK fun-and-beauty brand Spinning Hat, previously seen on xoJane.com in my "HOORAY FOR HOMOS" story (they make that GAY soap bar). I am a huge fan of their Blood Bath Shower Gel:
Who WOULDN’T want that? I can’t wait until my friends start getting married (this will probably happen never -- look at us; we’re all insane) and I can start giving this stuff out as gifts.
Another great gift is Spinning Hat’s bloody shower curtain (and bath mat!), which reminds me of the movie “Psycho” and, well, I guess there’s nothing funny about murder, but exactly how fucking P.C. can I continue to pretend to be just because I work for a women’s website? Women get brutally murdered, and it’s a sad fact. I do not endorse anyone doing that to anyone, but I do endorse buying this:
Because really, there aren’t enough good shower curtains out there. They are all so BORING. I challenge anyone to find cool ones and link to them in the comments. I will thank you for it, because literally I'm about to hang up my own bloody shower curtain right now. Spinning Hat sent me one. It's sort of scary. I don't particularly want a boyfriend, but these are the reasons I don't have one.
What else. God, I could go on and on with this blood-and-gore theme. Okay, here is an unscented candle with a bloody razor blade in it:
It costs only $5.50 and I was going to save it for our December gift guide, but I have a better one for that. I really think I’m done with girly beauty for a while; it’s just too boring.
Oh, and here are some bloody fingernails that our friend Rémy Law painted:
Obviously other people on Tumblr have done similar things already this month, blah blah blah. Hush. Anyway, if any other site ever accused me of stealing a nail art idea, I would laugh at them. There are only so many nail art ideas in this world. You didn’t see me getting all sassy at Jezebel when they did Jackson Pollock nailsthe day after we did, did you? That’s because it was clearly a coincidence and we here at xoJane aren’t a bunch of cornball bitches who pounce on people for everything. Plus, I love Jezebel. And it’s NAIL ART; who cares. Stupid Internet.
Anyway, I don’t even know what I’m talking about. It’s four in the morning and I’m hoping some of my friends will come over to hang out until I kick them out at 9 AM. I’m a vampire like that! Which reminds me…
This True Blood-inspired cheek stain from Tarte is sort of the best. I don't watch "True Blood", but that's generally because I'm a space alien that can't be expected to participate in normal life. The chubby, sheer lip pencil – which goes on like a tinted balm -- personally looks better on me than the cheek stain, but generally Tarte cheek stains are the best beauty products in the world, so both are clearly must-haves, fool.
It’s the color of blood -- spooky! –-- but not of real blood. Of, like, pretty movie blood. The kind of blood you WANT staining your face, a.k.a. not the kind in the picture of me above that started this fiasco of an article. “Article.”
Finally there’s this perfume brand Blood Concept that claims to match your blood type or something:
I’m too bored of writing this long story to even paraphrase everything my the website, and if you have a problem with that you can email Jane@xoJane.com and whine about me. Surely she's used to it. Just know it’s a high concept perfume brand, and I have no idea how any of them smell. Half the time when people are writing about any fragrances they haven’t actually smelled them, so at least I’m not LYING to you. For the record, I never write about something I haven’t actually smelled and pretend in my article that I have. No, no, don’t stand up; stop applauding. Yes, you’re welcome.
Happy almost-Halloween! Are you dressing up as anything? I’m going to dress like a homeless person, because, well, that’s how all the girls dress downtown. This thermal I’m wearing has sixteen thousand holes in it and possibly noseblood stains, which aren’t even mine. Fine, maybe they were mine. I obviously don't remember getting them.
Anyway, there we have it! Signing off. XO
P.S. Remember when Barneys New York got in trouble for these store windows?:
It was awesome.