BEAUTY REVIEW : Beauty Without Cruelty Cosmetics (do I even care?)

What would Sharon Stone do? Icepick this lotion to death!

May 18, 2011 at 3:32pm | Leave a comment

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Beauty without cruelty? Ha! All beauty is cruel, and beauty editors especially. We will laugh at your hideous French pedicure, even though we’ve lazily not gotten a pedicure of any kind since like August 2010. What? It’s not like we have boyfriends, and the sluts we get with who see our bare feet in the 4 am gloom of our studio apartments every other week or so can just live with non-pedicured toes. You know?

(Note: Almost every other beauty editor there is has a boyfriend or husband besides me. No, offhand, I can’t think of any lesbians. What's up with the lack of lesbians, beauty industry? Here on our site there is no shortage. Step your game up!)

Anyway.

I opened this package -- well, in truth, I lazily slid it over to our intern Monica and made HER open it, because Jane and I had been applying the amazing new Dior nail polishes for summer, and … well, that was four hours ago, but whatever! The point of having interns is to make them f*&king open things, and it’s all I did as a beauty intern at THREE major magazines for FOUR goddamn years and EARN YOUR PLACE. INTERNS. I REFUSE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT MAKING YOU OPEN EVERYTHING FOR ME.

Beauty without cruelty: ‘tis rare. 

And have I mentioned how beautiful I look today? I certainly haven’t held off today on mentioning it via text message to this dude that I’m dating, The Novelist. But I’m not supposed to be talking about him. Ever! He has an extra-passionate ex-girlfriend, and by extra-passionate I mean CRAZY.

Or at least JEALOUS.

But as you see, I’ve mentioned him anyway. This is because I am f*&king cruel. To all living things! Especially dumb ex-girlfriends. Stop reading my Twitter and get a grip! Seriously. I’m not even really dating-dating your ex-boyfriend (YET). It’s mainly just 80 emails a day and really hot phone sex. We’re so mutually successful and busy. see. Writers. Too much in common! It’s so cute.

BEAUTY WITHOUT CRUELTY: it’s the brand name of this shampoo and, much more interestingly also this big bottle of unscented lotion that I just got in the mail here at JHQ (figure it out, dummies). Let’s ignore the shampoo, because, well, I say so.

The lotion is fantastic! Really creamy and lovely and great-feeling : You apply it and it makes your skin sort of dewy and … supple, and beautiful and truly different-looking (and, as we all know by now, looks are all that really matter to me, hmm?).

It has jojoba and arnica and a bunch of other botanical extracts, and I used it on my arms over and over again at my desk today, because I had self-tanned them and they seemed rather withered; NO I do not ALLOW that.

And the thing with unscented lotions is that they are never TRULY unscented -- I mean, they are; I’m just rambling in my crazy beauty editor way; bear with me -- because they take on your scent, you skin’s scent … and mine, of course, is good, because my job is to smell good, almost prenaturally, and believe me, I do.

The "without cruelty" in the name of these products, of course, comes from the manufacturers’ refusal to test on animals (why not?!) or put animals INTO the body lotion, which is sad because long-time readers of mine know that I love whale sperm and all that, lubricating my hair and head.

But honestly (not that I haven’t been honest), these are lovely products; so uncruel and yet so appealing to me nonetheless. They’re sold at Whole Foods, a fact I’ve written without even double-checking the press release, because that’s where non-torture beauty is generally sold. And also here. I prefer Barney's; you go where you like; we all die happy. Vaguely happy.