Your Shaved Armpits Are The Newest Thing to Feel Bad About PLUS! Match the Armpit to the xoEditor

Did you know that even if you're a proper lady and shave your unsightly underarm hair, your underarms will still continue to be #unsightly and #repulsive?

Aug 19, 2014 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

I get a lot of delightful press releases. Because of my "beat" they tend to come with bottle service, or at least free Oreos. Some are less than stellar -- one time someone was like "Do you want peanuts?" and I was all "Nah, I'm good" -- but none of them are ever as perplexing as some of the beauty pitches we're sent.

For example, did you know that even if you're a proper lady and shave your unsightly underarm hair, your underarms will still continue to be #unsightly and #repulsive? I didn't, but Marci was nice enough to clue me in by sharing this press release titled "Selfie Ready Armpits - #Flawless and #Fuzz-free" with her fellow xoEditors.

Hi Marci,
Although ‘hairy armpit selfies’ may be trending in China, most of us (Madonna excluded) shudder at the thought of letting our underarms grow wild, especially during the hot summer months. And, if you’re anything like me, what’s even more terrifying than the thought of an underarm bush is the thought of showing off my “groomed” pits by posting a photo to social media – hello, #redbumps, #darkskin and #stubble! According to recent studies, I’m not the only one suffering from low-armpit-self-esteem; in fact, a majority of women think their armpits are ugly – talk about a pit-iful situation!
Many women are guilty of neglecting their armpit’s needs and turn to razors, opting for what they think is the easiest maintenance option. Although shaving might seem like a quick-fix, it’s actually the single most common culprit of embarrassing underarm ailments as it stimulates hair growth, encouraging it to grow back faster, thicker, coarser and fuller. Waxing, however, is a quick and affordable alternative that removes hair from the root, leaving skin as smooth as silk for up to eight weeks! Unlike the hot and sticky wax that usually comes to mind, REDACTED has created a proprietary elastic wax that is powerful enough to remove thick, dark underarm hair in a virtually ouch-free fashion. The all-natural wax, which is applied at body temperature, not only eliminates hair, but also exfoliates and softens skin leaving armpits smoother, softer and ‘selfie’ ready.
For a story around this topic, I’d love to offer you REDACTED, Founder of REDACTED, as an expert source to share insider tips about the do’s and don’ts of underarm grooming. Please let me know if you are interested in connecting with her or if you’d like to come in to experience an underarm wax at REDACTED for yourself as I would be more than happy to coordinate.
Looking forward to your feedback,
REDACTED

Huh.

Well. There is certainly a lot happening in this email. Firstly, the use of "#darkskin" in this context is a little problematic, to say the least.

Beyond that, it's really more of the same "here's a new way your body is wrong" claptrap that we are continuously bombarded with. Only this time, we're not just wrong for having underarm hair, we are wrong for trying to get rid of our underarm hair by "turning to razors" as an easy --though neglectful -- way out.

This is getting to be exhausting. And, not to get technical, but isn't it common knowledge that shaving doesn't make your hair grow back darker and thicker? It does give the hair a blunt tip, making it look thicker, but I thought we established this years ago.

I am not immune to today's beauty standards. I wear makeup. I sometimes worry about my weight. I shave my legs and underarms. There's a lot of ridiculous, inconsequential, body-related stuff clanking around in my brain, but none of it relates to the state of my armpits. Besides applying deodorant and shaving them every three days or so, I never think of them. And while I'm sure some women would rather not share photos of their stubbly underarms, I don't know that anyone would describe it as "terrifying." 

Just to show how not terrifying it is, I have compiled a sampling of xoArmpits, kind of like the bikini body thing we did, except much smaller and stupider. I've even made it into a little game: See if you can match the pit to the editor. (Answer key at end of post.)

1.

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#thehorror

2.

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#whocoulditbe

This one's a puzzler.

3.

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#blurry

This editor originally shared this photo on her own Instagram and tagged it "#musky." Perhaps she started the trend?

4.

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#lush

This editor doesn't have to worry about unsightly #redbumps.

5.

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#minimalist

6.

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#beautymarks

7.

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#pitiful

8.

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#terrifying

9.

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#lastoneipromise

This editor "worked to find her best armpit angle," and I think she nailed it.

See how boring and not terrifying that was? It's almost as if no one actually cares what your armpits look like. Maybe I should tell that publicist; maybe it would help with her "low-armpit-self-esteem."

Answers to the armpit guessing game:

1.Me, 2. Emily, 3. Hannah, 4. Kate, 5. Mandy, 6. Marci, 7. Rebecca, 8. s.e., 9. Somer