It's gonna get sappy up in here.
If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you know that I like to drink in the bath. There’s a lot of this silliness:
I don’t like being in the tub sans beverage. I need a distraction from my sober thoughts (it's noisy in there). Sometimes I’ll take a book, but really all I require is a cocktail or a glass of wine and some sort of scented bath product to fully relax.
And by “sometimes” I mean “always.”
Last time I was in there a really lovely gentleman looked deep into my eyes and asked “Oh my god, do you like wine?” To which I replied “PSH. Yeah.”
He then led me over to a deep bowl full of fragrant liquid that looked a lot like wine. He started swirling it around with his hand and telling me some story of the Lord of something or other that descends upon us once a year for a bunch of debauchery or something and I was just like “Yeah yeah, you had me at ‘wine’ just give it to me.”
That Lord of Something turned out to be the Lord of Misrule (known as the Abbot of Unreason in Scotland), a seasonal, slow-fizzing bath bomb which does indeed make your bath water look like wine, or virgin blood (according to MereDarling on Instagram).
This thing is awesome. I have already bought and used two of them and I think I’m going to just go buy 10 and be done with it.
It appears to be just your everyday bath bomb. You drop it in, it fizzes and the water turns a little green.
BUT THEN EVERYTHING CHANGES.
The bomb starts to swirl and the light green foam gives way to a deep wine color. The whole room smells of spicy vanilla patchouli with a hint of black pepper.
Pictures are really worth all of the words here.
Once the popping candies (!!!) inside the bomb have all popped, and everything has stopped fizzing, you are left with the softest, most fragrant and moisturizing bathwater ever.
It’s an added bonus that you can pretend your soaking in a vat of wine (or diluted blood).
Pair with: A light red wine or rosé. I like drinking Charles Shaw Cab in the tub. A lot of reds are to “thick” for a hot soak, but the Charles Shaw Cab remains drinkable throughout your bath.
All this soaking got my mind grapes working and I thought “Surely there must be other alcoholic beauty products?”
YES. THERE ARE.
The first thing I found were these Gin Tonic bath salts by The Motley.
It was a real gin summer for me, guys. I went through a 1.75 L bottle of Hendrick's in less than two months by way of Pickletinis (now Martha Stewart approved!) and Italian Greyhounds. So obviously I needed these bath salts. I don’t care that The Motley is a beauty site for dudes! I ordered them anyway because I don’t think the rules apply to me!
They arrived, and while I was initially disappointed by the small jar, I was excited by the free manly beauty samples (which I am not giving to Sean!)
The directions say to measure two tablespoons into a hot bath and soak away your manly cares. If you follow these directions, you’ll probably get about four bath’s worth of usage out of the container.
I followed these directions and oh the smell! Fresh and bright! You smell lime and juniper but the lime isn't that wretched fake lime margarita syrup smell. I used these after a trip to the gym and it really helped with my post fitnessing aches.
Pair with: A (bathtub) gin and tonic (duh).
CONTINUING THE GIN THEME:
Gin & Juniper by Love & Toast (pictured above, next to the giant bottle of gin) smells just as you would expect it to. Not overly sweet and very much like the cocktail. A lot of cocktail-scented products are cloying, but this scent is almost masculine, making it a gorgeous unisex fragrance (I love ambiguity in my fragrances.) I plan on having Sean wear it, because I can smell things on him a lot better than I can smell them on me.
Pair with: An Italian Greyhound
Let’s talk whiskey.
The bottle of sorghum whiskey pictured above is from a small batch distillery in Madison, Wisconsin.
SPEAKING OF DEBAUCHERY AND BEAUTY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN MADISON, WISCONSIN?
You guys probably already know about this (and have seen that picture a million times), but I HAVE to talk about drinking with the devastatingly adorable Tynan.
Also, it would be just plain disrespectful not to mention him in a beauty article, as he is one of the greats.
Kittens, he was the nicest, most accommodating guide. He took me to the most wonderful tavern where we had wonderful beer and wonderful conversation.
Also, he wouldn't let me do the “Wisconsin beer bomb.”
His exact words were “You’re not doing that, not on my watch,” which is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
I love whiskey. I like a lot of ethanol-based products, but I LOVE whiskey.
I also love Urban Decays 24/7 eyeliners. They go on so smoothly and stay on all day, which is no small task, considering my extremely greasy eyelids.
I have to be careful with dark eyeliner, black makes my brown eyes look like coal, but this rich brown is super flattering.
My lids kind of swallow eye makeup, but this liner stands out just enough.
There’s also a shimmery brown called “bourbon,” but I prefer matte.
Guys! That was my first beauty article! How did it go? I had fun. Did you have fun? Don't worry, I'll go back to my human garbage disposal tricks soon.
I just really needed to tell you about my wine bath.