It's a cold day in hell this afternoon motherfuckers, because CAT MARNELL HAS A BOYFRIEND. No, I do not usually write about myself in third person, but I feel so far removed from this...social experiment that it's just beyond.
Here's my thing: I never have boyfriends. Never ever EVER have boyfriends. I don't know HOW to have a boyfriend. And finally, I am not sure that I WANT to have a boyfriend.
How have I spent my entire twenties without a relationship (well, except for one for a year and a half when I was 19-21; he's a New York kid who's still around)? Easy: I was a pillhead, and addicts retreat into themselves and choose drugs instead of people.
In such a situation one might make a list of pros and cons, but guess what? I'm typing this from my stupid Blackberry on an Upper East Side plastic surgeon's office getting fat frozen off of my abs, so I can't write that list right now.
...Or anything remotely eloquent. All morning I nursed a bad hangover and it definitely interfered with my job (i.e., I didn't write a long piece for you guys today like I wanted to), and that sucks of me. (Check in tomorrow for something fierce and epic; I swear.)
I always drink, but I get VERY drunk about four times a year and last night was Chinese New Year and so I went to this glam Adidas dinner at a restaurant on the Lower East Side and decided to have champagne. And vodka. And then I stayed out all night, and at some point the guy I was dating and whom I like and who is probably reading this -- hi sweetheart; don't be insulted by anything please -- became my boyfriend.
I'm too physically UGH today to even make a clever detour into the beauty product part of all this, so here, I'm just going to shove it in here. The perfume is called Boyfriend. When you do see it, I suggest that you smell it: It is very unique (at least by Sephora-selection standards). It is the fragrance equivalent of "boyfriend jeans."
It smells vaguely masculine in that best way that women can still pull off beautifully -- like imagine gorgeous you, freshly showered, but wearing a clean-smelling men's deodorant (a genre of scent I happen to love).
Then, on top of that fresh clean niceness, imagine that you putting on a fabulous little leather jacket, and voila -- that's how "BOYFRIEND" smells.
(Incidentally, though I am far too lazy to look it up on my horrible Blackberry, I believe it was "created" by someone from the cast of "Grey's Anatomy" or something. If that gets you hot.) (Weirdos.)
Back to the boyfriend thing -- sorry, I am leaping around wildly here. My main no-boyfriend argument is that I get everything I want from this person whether or not I'm officially in a relationship with him -- so why should anything change? He pays tons of attention to me and takes me cool places and treats me beautifully, so I don't really see what I'm missing out on. Seriously!
My main pro-boyfriend argument is that I like the idea of having a boyfriend. And also, I need to grow up and he would totally help. (He also is very understanding of how self-centered I am and likes me anyway.)
So despite our talk last night, nothing is set in stone. I'm basically undecided.
OK, so back to this idea of the list of pros and cons for having a boyfriend. Obviously, lazily, I want you, the readers, to do this for me. In the comments section. THANK YOU. See, this is what happens when both of your parents are shrinks: The kid winds up completely useless. I'm telling you. XO
P.S. Has anyone else slept with literally every name on that bottle?
Follow Cat on Twitter @cat_marnell. Please!