"I AM SO BROKE" Says Everybody: Gifts Under $5 Because Even People With No Money Should Get Into The Giving Spirit

Also, this article has a soundtrack.

Dec 11, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Making Lincoln sexy again.

Before we start, you need to press play on this:

Okay, now that we have a soundtrack to our article (I think I may make this a thing) I want you to take a walk down the broke ass snatch lane with me. Sometimes you just can’t afford Christmas. I mean I don’t know what that’s like because I’m a millionaire, but I’m sure some of you guys do. That doesn’t mean you can give crap gifts. Giving people gifts spreads joy and that is the best feeling ever. Better than sex. Haha just kidding. It’s WAY better than sex. Sex is SO 2012.

 

Dark Passenger Lipgloss

I mean, this is creepy. Even if you are a Dexter fan, do you really want to put something so closely associated with murder, Miami PD and, most importantly, BLOOD on your face? Maybe! 

 

Happy Kids Print Notebook

 

Speaking of creepy… Anything at Pearl River is great. I’m going to old school New York City your ass for a second and give you a little history lesson. BEFORE this place was on Broadway and had a big crazy staircase and shit, this place was a dirty ass legit warehouse on Canal Street. Everything was cheaper (duh) and you could go in there and buy all of your table settings for about twenty bones. Also I think there was a bird there but I can’t confirm that. DOWNTOWN NO MORE. 

 

Kaboom Necklace

Y'all know I love Girlprops and they have great gifts for poor people. Their stuff is weirdly unique and strange and rarely over ten clams. FUN FACT: I applied for a job there once when I was like too young to apply for a job and had my parents come with me to the interview (I KNOW, COOL) and they asked me if I could prevent shoplifters from stealing stuff and I remember fake-thinking for a second and saying “YEAH, I could do that” whilst inside I was screaming “Oh HELL NO, that shit’s for policemen.”

Girl On Fire Snap Bracelet

Um, yeah be careful who you buy this for. When it comes to "The Hunger Games," you either get it or you’re an idiot. Snap bracelets though? Yeah, these are actually so necessary. 

 

OTHER NOTEBOOK

Notebooks are a great gift. I don’t care if they are dumb and impersonal but everybody appreciates a little pen and paper nostalgia. Not like anybody is going to actually write in them. Just in case your iPad cracks and you need to draw a picture of something to take a photo of and Instagram for Twitter. (Also, check out this site if you are neurotic, everything here is color-coded and no-frills which is why I love it so much.) 

Weird UNIQLO Scarf

This scarf was sent to us by the aliens and is the secret code to humanity and how mayo is made. That’s all. 

 

 Alien Pen

Um, ALIEN PEN. From what I hear this is a pretty accurate representation of what they look like. Minus the ballpoint coming out of their feet. Oh and they are not green, they are gray. Everybody knows that. 

 

Pixel Magnets

Anything techy that comes at you IRL is pretty on-trend. Like you really do want people to like you and they only will like you if you leave cool things around your apartment that show that you have a finger on the pulse of humanity/technology/style/psychic vibes.  Smell me?

Alright, that's all I got. Pro tip: All of the sites I listed (almost) have more than what I just showed you for mega cheap. I KNOW tax and shipping makes a lot of these gifts more than $5 BUT if you buy a few things from one store, it should be just fiiiiinee. Or something like that. Or you could just listen to Jimmy Ray and be totally cool about everything.  Think of it as a FREE gift from me to you. 
 

 

WHERE IS JIMMY RAY NOW THOUGH? Okay, bye friends.