I will probably judge you for wearing a band shirt you bought at Urban Outfitters.
damn hipsters get off my lawn
being fat in the world
You are literally unprepared for this jelly.
coke
You know what would happen if I got a bottle of cola I couldn’t open out of a machine? I would try to furtively open it with my teeth.
celebrities
While my peers swooned over the New Kids, I was wondering just how to go about contacting James Caan -- in my pants.
expired
Spontaneous rashes, bad color choices, and the smell of an old guy's rotten mouth.
getting organized
In which the following is discussed: murder, the mental anguish of my future children, AND CRISCO.
big boobs
My boobs were never welcomed in any workplace in corporate America.
being fat all over the internet
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY, TANNING STORE.
exercise
Your boss wants you to "voluntarily" let him know how much you are working out. I want him to "voluntarily" punch himself in the nards.
panic attacks
Panic attacks aren't fun. But they can be funny.
television
Also I've looked into buying a bird feeder. I'm just saying.
internet dating
I spent all this time creating a girl I think my dream guy would want to date. It turns out this girl isn’t even someone I’d want to hang out with.
sexting
Flirtexting distinguishes itself from sexting by being, well, lamer. The idea is to constantly let the other person know you are thinking of them without being like “im so wet rit now.”
overalls
All it takes is one Fez-wearing sage like Andre Leon Talley and I’m standing in a department store trying to convince all of my friends that no, leather pasties ARE TOTALLY OF THE MOMENT AND APPROPRIATE FOR WORK.
showering is hard
It has been well established on this site, and in, you know, reality, that being an adolescent kid gargles the gnarliest of donkey balls.
eating lunch at desk
Working at home means it takes a redonk amount of effort for me to do things like ever wear pants, or stop inventing languages shared by only me and my cats. Also, eating.
cake
Although I have it on good authority that pies do not solve everything, I for one have a very seriously challenging time believing it.
pubes
Is this rock bottom?!?
flawless skin
I am not proud.
life
When I think back to every major decision I’ve made as an adult up until now, they can all be characterized by the same internal thought process: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
cellulite
Cellulite. Is not. Caused. By fatness.
best friends
When I read recently about women in long term friendships going through therapy to work on their relationship, it didn’t strike me as odd at all, looking back on the tearful mediated sessions between my still best friend and myself in the wake of one injury or another we had done.
acrylic nails
For those of you already running to the comments to be like "Get a gel manicure silly!" I say, "BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT AND THERE IS NO AGONY SO EXQUISITE AS WHEN THAT MANICURE GROWS OUT AND YOU START CATCHING YOUR PUBES IN IT!"
aging
When you get older, a lot of stuff happens to your body. You are disgusting in new and interesting ways, welcome to your great decline.
