This is the first time I haven't weirded all over myself in public. Here's hoping it won't be the last.
Turns out there is no magic pill. I guess...I'm the magic pill? THAT IS A TERRIBLE REVELATION.
Sometimes I wish I were a complicated muse-type of broad who is supermodel-tall and once touched JD Salinger’s penis. Other times, I'm soooo glad I'm not.

Apr 3, 2014 at 6:00pm | 152 comments

“It’s not that I want to kill myself,” I said to my therapist after 3 months. “It’s that I keep thinking how surprised everyone will be when I do.”
Dance like no one is watching. Even though they definitely are, and they are definitely judging you, and ohmygodIcantbreathe.
I downed a vodka tonic, loudly pronounced it had ne'er an effect on me, and then slammed my glass down, shattering it like I was auditioning for a minor role in Trainspotting. Clearly this was not my drink.

Dec 19, 2013 at 5:00pm | 186 comments

unpopular opinion
Sure, ride your bicycle, dude -- just please stop talking to me about it.
Hope you can swim, my fellows in chub -- because now they are kicking us out of countries.
If Wednesday at 6:55pm is the "right time" to start drinking during the week, are there right times to start my other vices too?

Aug 8, 2013 at 6:00pm | 184 comments

plastic surgery
Piercing my nose at 30 to cure my insecurities -- good idea, or awful? YOU DECIDE!