I live in the midwest with my husband, my two-year-old and a trio of insane dogs. I usually drink less than once a week, and when I do, it’s a glass of semi-cheap wine in front of a blank Google Docs page.

Age:  30

What I Do, Job-wise: I have a full time Peggy Olson-like job, a freelance career and a steady gig raising a headstrong toddler who likes to talk about her nipples.

What I Do, Fun-wise: I run (which is only sometimes fun), plan vacations I may or may not actually take, work on our 90-year-old house and daydream about going to bed.

My Motto: It’s just poop.

My Anti-Motto: Stay Calm and {insert any word you want, even if it makes no sense whatsoever} On

The First Movie Star I Ever Had A Crush On: Corey Feldman

My “celebs to make out with” list: Prince Harry. Emma Stone. Not Corey Feldman.

Last Book I Read Without Skimming Any Parts: I really, really want to tell you it was Portnoy’s Complaint or The Unbearable Lightness of Being, but it was actually Grave Sight, a fluffy mystery by Charlaine Harris. Sometimes your brain needs a break. (Side note: I did read The Night Circus recently and it was amazing.)

My Most Worn Item of Clothing: Dark “matchstick” jeans, because the “toothpick” style sticks to cellulite I don’t even have.

Beauty Products That I Hoard: I once worked at Sephora and needed additional storage for my avalanche of products. Then our house got burglarized and my entire collection of makeup was part of the haul. Who does that? Anyway, I haven’t really worked up a hoard since then. It used to be eyeshadow palettes with gorgeous packaging and Benefit blushes.

The Most Played Song On My iTunes: Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. It’s one of my favorite running songs.

I smell like: Coffee.

I Have Faked An Orgasm (Yes/No): Only when eating salad.